Letter To Self

Hi, it’s me…

I’ve been meaning to reach out for awhile now but didn’t know what to say.

I imagined you being angry with me, hardened by life’s downs and unable to forgive me for being upset with you. And I was. Upset and angry with you. I wish you had known more then. I wish you had believed in yourself, valued yourself and your opinions. You fought hard but ineffectively. Never with humor but armor. I watched you struggle. It pained me to watch you flounder.

I am sorry. Sorry for judging and berating you. Sorry for not understanding, offering compassion or being a much-needed shoulder for you to cry and lean on. I would not blame you if you were…angry.

Old Self

I was not angry. I was alone. I was waiting for you to see what you see now. Feel how you feel now. I was patiently waiting. Longing for the distance between us to collapse and for you to see and know I did do my best. We did our best. But the waters were deep. We had never swam out that far. The current was intense. The water was numbingly cold, the swells monstrous. We were surrounded by beasts. We had no idea. How could we have possibly trained or prepared for something so foreign? Something so outside of our field of imagination? I forgive myself for getting swallowed by the raging sea. I forgive myself for not knowing how to navigate that tormenting storm. I never stopped swimming though. I kept my hope alive. I hoped you would one day grace me with your warmth and shelter. I dreamt of the day you would come rescue me. But I was misguided. It was my responsibility to save and protect us. I am sorry for behaving so cavalierly. You must have been frightened. You must have been terrified.

Present Self

You are wiser than I could have ever dreamed. Your growth is immense. And my forgiveness is too late and too little. I am not proud for wanting to forget you. Wanting to wash the slate clean and erase that chapter, nay that novel. I am guilty of much. Yet I am more humbled by your forgiveness, kindness, and ability to see the bigger picture. Blown away by your perseverance and hunger to fight and stay alive. Perhaps that is why you were the one brave enough to embrace that challenge and bold enough to surrender to the currents you could not control.  Never letting it pin you down, suffocate or drown your zest for life. You fought the entire time. You survived. You, my friend, are a warrior.

Old Self

No, we are both warriors. Samurai. Slicing through the pain and discomfort, forging our own path. Masters of our destiny. Fated for greatness. Learning as we live. Fine tuning as needed.  I will not let the hate of our past consume our present or our future. I will not pass the baton, our anguish, onto anyone else. We will break the cycle no one should ever have to endure. We will become the best person we can be. Not perfect, not without flaws, irritations, or annoyances. We will let others show us who they are, and we will believe them. We will stop trying to understand or make excuses. Not everyone is inherently good. It is time we use our gifts, trust our gut, our intuition, and ourselves. We will be better for the adventure, the storm we could not and did not see. For we have not only survived my friend, but we have arrived at exactly where we need to be. I could not be me without you. Do you not see?

Present Self

And I could not be me without you. This I now see. Thank you for never relenting, following your guiding light, and setting us free.

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