Learning To Play Football

I have been metaphorically playing football my entire life. I have been viewing life through the perspective of each position I have played. I have also been limited in my vantage point, only focusing on the play in front of me, never the bigger picture.

I used to feel as if I were a wide receiver. With an obstructed view of the playing field, I would just wait to catch the ball, an opportunity, and run with it. Sometimes I would fumble. Other times I would feel as though I was asking permission from the opposing team – hey can I get that first down, pretty please?  No matter the play, I did not have confidence in myself or my ability to execute.  It used to make me angry. I am certain I came out of the womb a Quarterback. In charge of the plays, playing the perfect game, finding that hole and throwing that impeccable spiral into my teammate’s anticipatory hands. But, somewhere along the way, I lost my confidence, my mojo, myself. I let the opinions of people I did not respect get in the way. Soon I was in my own way. I got lost. I started asking everyone else, members on the opposing team for advice. How can I run more yards? What would be the smartest play?  Are you going to Blitz me? If so, will you please tell me when it will happen? I trusted the wrong people and consciously believed their words even when their actions showed me otherwise. In essence, I was willingly giving my power away. And what is worse is I had no idea I was even doing it. I just knew that after getting sacked so many times, I was worn down. I kept getting back up but with less and less conviction and fight. By the time I was tackled, concussed, and carried off the field with broken ribs, I was so beaten down I did not know if I would ever stand tall and proud again. It was probably the perfect time to time out, but like most athletes, timing out was the last thing I wanted to do. Even if I did not have the nerve and strength to continue on, I felt like I was being forced out of the game. What would the other players think? I was ashamed, frustrated, and imagined my competitors getting stronger while I continued to get weaker and weaker.

When I was healthy enough to jump back into the game, all I could do was play defense. Constantly reacting to what was happening on the field was exhausting. I would try to collect my thoughts before each play but would find myself responding to stimuli that only proved to distract and obstruct my concentration.  I felt incredibly self-conscious and vulnerable. There were several times when I felt like I was standing on the fifty-yard line butt naked. No jersey, no uniform, just hanging out. I was completely exposed. This was no bad dream. This was my reality. I could not hide.

After a while I noticed that I was beginning to see things differently. My failures caused me significant setbacks, but my vision had expanded. My narrow view had widened.  I was able to see what was happening before it happened. I suppose it was the result of the countless hours, energy, and focus I spent on working on myself and rebuilding my foundation. My perseverance and determination to unlearn all of the bad habits I had picked up along the way had clearly benefited me in ways I could have never imagined or hoped for.  While it took considerable time for me to believe in myself again, giving up was not an option. I had to get comfortable with failure and make many mistakes multiple times before I could even recognize a behavior pattern that no longer served me. Each time I would backslide, I would get irritated, disheartened, and impatient with myself. Eventually I realized my ego needed to go.  Not only did I need to relearn how to live again, but I had to relearn the game, and most importantly rediscover who I was. It helped that my teammates were incredibly supportive as were my coaches. It truly does take a village to bring a human being back to life.

The healthier I got, the more I challenged myself.  I would once again play QB, the coveted position I had longed to play again, but this time, I was able to see and know more. My once insurmountable failures would prove to be my greatest teachers. Not confined or consumed by all of the interceptions and failed passes, my mind was now calm and serene.  I was able to respond with conviction and control.

I was now staring at the field through enlightened eyes. I felt as though I was the color commentator, the referee, and the birds soaring over the football field. My vantage point was expansive. I could see things for what they were and respond accordingly. My fear had dissipated. I had trust and faith. Faith that the odds were in my favor. Trust that I could pull off that Hail Mary when I needed to. All of that fear and worry was just that. Playing those other positions was not the hindrance I once viewed it as, but essential puzzle pieces I never knew were missing.

Life, like football has a way of planting us face down. It is not how many times you fall or fail; it is how often you rise, get up, charge on, and know when to say when. It is a balancing act. It is the realization that getting up is the only choice. I could have remained focused on those who wanted to analyze my game or Monday morning quarterback my plays, but that would have been futile.

In the end, I do not remember how many touchdowns I scored, or how many incompletions I threw. I just know I had fun, and I had the fortitude to find myself.  I also now have a 100-yard aerial view.

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