Learning To Love The Journey

I once had a therapist who told me that we repeat the same behavioral patterns in multiple if not all areas of our life. When she pointed this out to me, the first emotion I remember feeling was fear. Oh GOD, just what I need, to make the same freaking mistake in multiple divisions of my life. That is not good. What I realized though, is that maybe it is.

I recently became aware of a reoccurring bad habit I exhibit. It is called not being present. While I am great at being in the moment when I am with friends, family, or my beloved dog, when I am by myself, I sometimes catch myself rushing as I scurry along to the next thing. What ends up happening is that I miss the precious moments in between. They may be simple, but I am certain they are fruitful. Rather than breathing in the moment and finding my happy, I observe myself fast forwarding through what I perceive to be mundane, uneventful, minutes and seconds without purpose, just so that I can get to a future I do not know. While I know nothing of this future, I have successfully convinced myself that it is better and has something important that I am presently lacking.

I just finished rewatching True Blood. An amazing series on HBO for anyone that does not know and is into vampires and the supernatural. There are seven seasons in total. What I discovered while I was rewatching this series was my inability to be patient and not want to rush through the process. When the series was over, I was bummed that the story I had connected with and relived was completed. What I concluded was the irony in my inability to just be. Here I was rushing through something that I clearly enjoyed and found entertaining. So why was I so quick to hurry it along?

I rushed it because I wanted to get to the ending. I wanted to finish my journey and be at the destination. It is not logical; it is anxiety and impatience. There was nothing in particular waiting for me at the end; I just could not help myself.  What my counter intuitive behavior brought to light, however, is that the beginning was more fun. The beginning is often more fun and exciting because it is the unknown. It is scary, thrilling, eventful, at times stressful, captivating, and full of intrigue. The end is just the mark of a new beginning. A new story that has yet to be written. And one I can only get lost in via my imagination.

So why do I do this in every area of my life including my television shows?  Because I am impatient, need to practice having more faith, believe that what is for me will find me in due time, and surrender to all I do not know. I also need to recognize the journey for what it is, an ever-changing, evolving landscape I must resign myself to and learn from. It is also where the magic happens. And is one of the reasons why I have a fortune cookie saying on my dresser as a constant reminder to, “Do not rush through life. Pause and enjoy it.”

I have struggled to enjoy the journey properly for some time now. It started when I was ten, moved out to California, discovered the competitive nature of California swimming, got hooked and began planning my career as a future Olympic swimmer. There was a swim meet called Junior Olympics. I had told myself since the age of ten, that this meet would be a great dress rehearsal for me. I could familiarize myself with swimming prelims and finals and see if the glory of winning a gold medal was all I had made it out to be. I visualized, ate, and breathed swimming. I was fourteen when I won my first gold medal at Junior Olympics.

While the moment was powerful and overwhelming, what I realized in that moment was how intoxicating the journey was. How calming my nerves as I walked to the block before that Final was the true testament to my growth. How my ability to maintain my composure, harness my power, and not lose myself in the moment benefited me immensely. The hunger and level of fulfillment was tangible in a way I had never known before. That was where I had the most fun. It was where I was inspired, had passion, and did something that invigorated and satisfied me at the time. The gold medal was great, but it was a fleeting moment. Noticeably short and sweet. It felt good to touch the wall first, have them call my name on the loudspeaker, and receive public recognition for my hard work, but it was not something I needed.  As I was sitting with my medal after the race, my mom asked me if the whole experience felt as good as I thought it would. I shrugged my shoulders and said, “Eh, it was okay.”

One would think I would have successfully mastered the lesson of being present at fourteen. I did not. No, the opportunity for this lesson would continue to occur and will continue to reoccur until I address it and find a constructive solution. Why is it so hard for me to be present? I meditate every day. I work out. I eat healthy. Perhaps I am trying to control what cannot be controlled, life. Rather than seeing the blessings in my every day, stopping, and listening to the lovely sounds of the birds in the morning, I am searching for some fairy tale I hope exists but is not realistic. I am a product of my generation where everyone thinks life is like a TV Show, which it is not.

Not every day will be a good day, but it will be a day I am alive and surrounded by the people I love. As I was walking on my hike the other day, I could not help but notice the beautiful and abundant flowers and foliage. I surmised it must be from the massive amounts of rain we have received this year.  I could not help but think of the quote my friend once said to me while we were paddling out surfing. He said, “No mud, no bud.” Maybe my yuck, my interpersonal work and moments of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin or in the moment, are my mud. The bad days are the rainy ones and what transpires as a result is optimal fertilizer and soil for me to bud, flourish, grow, and become something more than I previously am.

It is funny to think that a television series made me aware of this reoccurring bad habit. But I am grateful it caught my attention and provided me with this insight. There is something humorous about the messages we receive daily and the gift wrapping they arrive in. Regardless of how they happen, I am always appreciative when they do. I still will find situations when I long to speed up time and fast forward into the future. I am human, not a robot and cannot autotune my temperament.   I will practice sitting still and being present. After all, I am on the journey of my lifetime and every moment I receive is truly a present.

I will leave you with a quote by Lucius Annaeus Seneca:
“True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not.”

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