I Am NOT Fine. Everything is NOT Fine.

In Rehab, one of the first things they teach you is that the word FINE is not only not a feeling but an acronym which stands for:

Fucked Up
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional

When I say something is fine, it is not fine and most of the time it is not even okay. It is my brain’s way of processing a disappointment, something I need to accept but do not want to. Sometimes it is my passive aggressive way of expressing my contempt. While I can be a natural well for feelings, FINE is not one of them.

As a society, we have been conditioned to accept things we don’t want to and just “go with the flow”. Making waves is not something a “normal” human is supposed to do, but in theory is exactly what we need to do to feel, let go and move on. We need to be able to express our dissatisfaction without fearing for our safety or for being viewed as an outcast.

During my dark ages, I was working as an Entertainment Marketing Executive, I adopted the word FINE and made it my motto. Despite the constant abuse, disappointments, and narcissistic personalities I was surrounded by, I had to tell myself everything was fine because even if it wasn’t, saying I was fine was my security blanket. My attempt at soothing my nervous system. It was also my way of fitting in and being the person I longed to be, even if that is not innately who I am.

Every time I found myself uttering the words, It’s Fine. I’m Fine, I could feel myself pushing my emotions down further and further. Like stuffing them into a tight sock with limited room. No wonder I felt suffocated and at times felt as though I could never catch my breath. The body keeps the score as it memorizes your surroundings and how that impacts you.

Looking back now, I wish I had been honest with myself sooner and admitted that I wasn’t fine and that my environment, my life wasn’t fine. Not only was I not happy but now I was feeling guilty for admitting my true feelings. I had become accustomed to replacing sadness, anger, disappointment, and shame with feeling fine. It was not a productive practice. I think somewhere along the way, I could feel my higher self-looking down on me with sorrow, shaking her head in disbelief as she watched me move backwards on my self-growth and spiritual journey. Forget two steps back one step forward, my feeling fine had me going in reverse. Of course there is shame with that realization and embarrassment. What’s wrong with me, why can’t I be the wall flower who blends in and doesn’t sweat the small stuff? Why can’t I just feel fine as in okay with it all? It would take me awhile to surrender to the notion that the answer is simple – because that is not who I am. I am the person who fortunately and unfortunately says what everyone else is thinking. I am the Highly Sensitive person who feels everything and doesn’t believe in berating others or shoving my emotions down. I am the person who gets physically ill as a result of my own dishonesty and the toxicity surrounding me. I’ve learned the hard way that stress is not the only killer. Lying to yourself about how you feel has a way of eating at your sense of self, taunting, and haunting you until you come clean.

Just because society has conditioned people to tell themselves that things that are not okay are fine, doesn’t mean we need to keep subscribing to that practice. I genuinely believe that every time I lied to myself and told myself that everything was fine, a part of me died on the inside.

After those hard-learned lessons, I may still use the word fine and catch myself every now again correcting my fine and turning it into an okay, I now sit with my emotions and feel them. I learn from them. I got out of society’s line and started thinking and acting for myself again. I acknowledged myself, my feelings, my needs and started valuing them. I stopped being afraid of my emotions and began to see them as one of my superpowers. And just like a real superhero who is at first frightened by and afraid of their gifts and power, I was as well. But when I learned to control and use that power to my advantage, I began to see and understand that I could be the master of my own universe. I began to see my world open up and all the fineness slip away. I began to heal and become okay.